


The Past Can't Outrun You

by Hippiainen



Series: A Light Lost in the Dark [6]
Category: Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic
Genre: Gen, Mentions of Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-11
Updated: 2018-02-11
Packaged: 2019-03-16 21:40:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13644972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hippiainen/pseuds/Hippiainen
Summary: Sometimes recovering what was lost hurts, but Aleena won’t let that stop her from getting back the memories Jedi took from her.





	The Past Can't Outrun You

Aleena finds herself sitting on the library floor, flipping through a family holoalbum she had found few weeks back. It had been behind several other holobooks, and Aleena wonders if her father had put it there on purpose, maybe as not to have a reminder of the past. And it would have worked had she not stumbled on it accidently looking for something to read.

The pictures were old, even the newest ones were almost fifteen years old. The last one was dated only three days before she had… before she had ended with the Jedi. Most of the pictures she had gone through featured her, and either her mother or father, and on the rare occasion even all three of them.

There were some that were from before she was born, her father looked so young in those, and her mother… She actually couldn’t remember anything about her. But she looked happy, and relaxed, and so much like Aleena. 

“You seem deep in thought,” Aleena is startled by hearing her father’s words. She hadn’t noticed him come in, the carpet masking the sound of his steps.

“I was just… thinking,” she looks at her father for a second before turning back to the holo. It’s one of the newer ones there, taken few months before… Aleena pushes that thought back, there’s no need to dwell on that further right now.

To her surprise, Mortis sits down next to her, looking at the holo as well. “That was from when we visited the zoo. Finding time together was rather difficult, but we did manage,” he sounds little wistful, such an obvious contrast to the happiness in the picture. Aleena can see her younger self, holding tightly to a terentatek plushie, beaming with happiness. She’s biggybagged on Mortis’ shoulders, her mother hugging the both of them. Behind is a large area, and she can see two terentatek further back, surrounded by the familiar jungle terrain of Dromund Kaas.

Mortis gently sweeps few locks of her hair behind her ear, smiling, “You wanted that terentatek a lot, even promised to read poetry at the next diplomat dinner Indran was going to host.” His voice grows fond when mentioning Indran, but there’s a hint of sadness creeping into his voice. They both know that Indran never had the chance to host that dinner, anymore than Aleena had the chance to read poetry during it.

They both fall silent. Aleena touches the holo almost gingerly, she can’t help but once again wonder what her life would have been like if she’d lived here. Having grown with parents, with people who cared about her. People who would have supported her and loved her. Offered her more freedom in choosing her path. She knows that total freedom would have been impossible, but not being directed towards a rigid path would have been nice.

“Was this what you wanted to talk about earlier today?” 

Aleena is shaken from her thoughts again, slightly shaking her head, “Not exactly, though I guess it’s related.”

Mortis raises his eyebrow, “And…”

“It’s about my memories… the ones that the Jedi locked away.” She sights, it feels like the next words would lock in something she couldn’t take back, “I want them back. I know they’re probably very hazy, and not complete. I know I was young back then, but still… I’d like to know.”

“You are sure about this? Because as I’ve said before, there’s no need for you to do this.”

Aleena nods, “I’m doing this for me. They are my memories, and I want the truth, not the version the Jedi wished I had had.”

A smile slowly lights up Mortis’ face, there’s a fondness in it that warms her heart, “Would you like to do it now or later?”

Aleena is slightly taken back, “You can do it now? I assumed it would take some preparation or something.”

“No,” the amusement in his voice is clear, “just deep meditation. I doubt whatever locks are there are truly that strong. After all, they were placed when you were five, and the Jedi had no reason to assume that you would dig around. Also considering they didn’t teach you the necessary skills to remove the lock, they had no reason to suspect they would have to put too much effort into them. And despite this, you’ve told me that small things have leaked through from time to time. So it shouldn’t be too difficult to remove them.”

Aleena nods, she trusts his judgment regarding this.

Mortis squeezes her hand encouragely, “When you are ready.”

She closes her eyes. Sinking into meditation is simple, but the deeper stage of it is eluding her. It’s been more difficult since she started drawing upon the Force using her emotions. And she knows that the connection was still tentative, her training with her father had been focusing a lot on nursing the said connection, on making it more natural. It wasn’t like with the light side, there was always a storm, always something that felt overwhelming, like it wanted to take over her.

The panic starting to surface calms when she feels Mortis in the Force as well. Just outside her walls, asking for permission to enter. It’s a courtesy, they both know he could have easily slipped past her shields. His presence feels steady, an extension of the dark. So unlike Aleena. Sometimes she feels like she’s drowning in it, as she would now if she had to do this alone.

He guides her deeper into the Force, deeper into herself. She knows what she has to do, his instructions are silent, more feelings than words. Finding those memories, the line where hers start and the false ones end isn’t easy. It was all so long ago…

She can see Fauren, looking calmly at her, “I’m sorry, you were the only survivor.” She knows the next words he will say, but doesn’t want to hear them. “They are both gone, but don’t worry, you’ll get through this. You can stay here, I’m sure you’ll fit right in.”

She pushes further, beyond Fauren, beyond the actual memories, into the territory in which she always has trouble concentrating. She had assumed that it was because it hurt too much, the knowledge that they were gone. But how much more insidious was the truth…

Faces float in her mind, she recognizes them, knows them – but she doesn’t. Not really, the kind woman who she had called mother doesn’t exist, the weathered man is not her father. They are lies. “Aleena, come to dinner! I made your favourite!” She knows the voice doesn’t know any more than she does what her favourite childhood food was. “You can come next time when we are going trading, no need to stay with your aunty,” the man promises.

It’s too much… She can’t – doesn’t want this. Not the voices, not the faces. They aren’t real… not real, never have been.

It is as if something anchors in her mind, searching for something, she doesn’t know what. The water drops hitting a surface sound familiar, she’s back. Back at the Temple, listening to the drops of water hit the surfaces of the fountains. Untying, unravelling. It feels like home, safe, secure. She isn’t there anymore, the raindrops hit the roof of her room, she’s hugging a wrat plushie. “Sleep well my dear,” she can feel a kiss being pressed to her temple, loving red eyes looking at her… “Mom…” she’s so sleepy, so tired…

Something touches her shoulder, “Tag, you’re it!” She dashes after the boy, giggling. She slips on the mud before getting back up, chasing the other children...

“Mom! Dad! Look!” She can feel the Force, the toy floating in the air. They are so proud of her, she’s beaming at them. She’s going to be Sith…

“Caitlin, hide!” The ships warning lights are flashing, she can hear the announcements. She’s so scared. She’s crammed into a small compartment, she can’t breath. It’s so small, and she’s shaking. The Force is wrong, bright, blinding – empty. 

Someone opens the hatch, she’s trying not to cry. She can feel a hand grabbing her clothes, pulling her up. Kicking, screaming, trying to get free. She struggles even harder when she sees her mom on the floor, not moving. Her teeth sink into an arm, “Ungrateful Sithspawn!” She feels herself dropping to the floor, trying to get to her mom, but she can’t. She can feel the Force pick her up, and she’s held tightly in arms, “Don’t worry, you’ll eventually understand that this is for the best. You’ve been saved, and from here on we’ll take care of you.” 

Tears are falling down her face. It’s hard to breath, trying to gasp for air. She can feel arms around her, fingers running through her hair. She wraps her arms around the figure, he’s warm – familiar and comforting. “Aleena, it’ll be alright. It will take some time, but –”

Her broken sob echoes in the library, “They… they be-beheaded her.” She clings to him tighter, she doesn’t know what else to do. The Force wraps around her, pulling her close, and she clings to the dark. It feels good, safe. 

Mortis presses a kiss on the top of her head, holding her close. “I know, “ another kiss, “I know dear. They can’t hurt us ever again, I made sure of that.” She nods, and for a moment she can’t help but agree with what happened to Fauren – forgive her father for it.


End file.
